I’m a simple guy. I go to McDonald’s for lunch. I use the app to order my food so i can avoid all human contact and so i can get the exclusive daily app deals. Today i got 2 cheeseburgers, a medium fries and a medium diet coke for four dollars and 34 cent, 950 total calories or 0.004568 cents per calorie. You know, nothin fancy, just killin time before i gotta go back to work at the abortion clinic.
When I eat at McDonald’s i like to get a nice window seat so i can see the beautiful Brooklyn streets for all their glory. It’s pretty cool, usually there’s a few crackheads right outside digging through the gutter for pennies or dirty cigarette butts to smoke. Look, the view aint no Mount Everest but i take what i can get, ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ my grandpa told me on his deathbed as he coughed up blood and shitted all over himself.
Sometimes when I eat lunch at Mickey D’s, which is everyday, i start to feel sad and depressed like. And i can never figure out why. Is it because i only got a medium fries instead of the large? Should i have got a regular coke instead of a diet? They say that artificial sweetener is no good for you but the doctor that administers my chemo never said that i shouldn’t have it and i mean you gotta trust a doctor. They went to school for a long time which means they’re really smart. And when i feel sad like this at McDonald’s not even staring at the other customers can make me feel better. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m no looker, i was born with my ears where my eyes should be and somehow my eyes ended up in my ball sack while my balls are where my ears should be, but that’s OK, I’m fine not bein some hunk Burt Reynolds type of guy. i know who and what i am so it don’t make no real difference for me. But these people at McDonald’s, they got all their eyes, their ears are in the right place. They got the ability to make children and everythin. They really got the whole world in they hands but they still look miserable and if i didn’t actually see them moving around and stuff, then i’d think they were just dead already. And they’re all so fat. And I’m no Arnold Schwarzenigga, i weigh about 250 but i aint got no legs since i lost them to my battle against diabetes, so i got like a really good excuse for not workin out. What’s their excuse? True, half of them are in wheelchairs but the half who aint? Why come they cant just work out? Even i have a Curves gym membership. Anyway, i’m drifting off course now, these cheese-hamburgers are hittin me hard and i gotta shoot up some insulin in the bathroom before i lose another limb or two.
Four hours a sleep aint enough but i spring outta bed anyway and make a beeline for da nearest pipe or needle. Outside theres like a orchestra of fuckin garbage trucks eatin up whole couches in they filthy stinking moufs and when da noise from all a dat dies down in come da fuckin school buses pickin up their lil fat fuck retards. By 7 AM i already smoke like 3 bowls, jerk off twice, sniff 4 bumps of K and think about jumpin out the window. It’s six flights down and i go as far as sticking one leg out ta test da water but it’s too fuckin cold so i opt out. by 8AM it starts friggin pourin out which means if i do any dumpsta divin today its gonna be extra wet an messy.
On da train ride to da methadone clinic some shifty lookin heeb asks me if i’m jewish and i say, “don’t you rememba da last time people went around askin people on trains if they were jewish? Didnt turn out too great for us back den, huh?”
“Oh so you are jewish?”
“Nah, fuck off.” But he keeps fuckin pushin, “come on my friend, you don’t want to put on teffelin today? Its a special day, almost shabbos, very big mitzvah, come on.” he grabs my arm and i scream, “SIR I DONT WANNA TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU PLEASE STOP ASKIN ME,” at which point he lets go of my arm and stomps off, bagelling and forehead profiling some other poor kike.
At da clinic the nurse broad with da huge tiddies and tattoos and shit all over is wearin one a those fancy green docta costumes and the top is low cut and when she asks me, “hey norm, how are we today?” i say, “not bad, tits cold outside though” but she makes like she don’t hear me, they always do, “ok Norm, you can step into room 3, dr wayne will see you”
In room tree docta wayne asks if i been doin any otha drugs i tell him I been blowin a lotta pot but dats about it. He don’t need to know about the acid cuz they cant do no drug test for lsd. He gives me my script which i take back to the big tiddy nurse who gives me a small bottle with 7 doses in it and i take one before i even leave da clinic den smoke a J on my walk back to da train. By the time da N comes my juice kicks in and i scramble to sit down before i start noddin out and droolin al over myself shit norman i hate it when you do dat, all da drool on ya pants make it look like ya pissed yaself or worse like ya busted a nut all over ya pants which is true anyway but don’t nobody gotta know dat!
Eatin from the trashcan don’t nobody gotta know that’s why I be eatin in private and also I don’t wanna let the bitches see me cry. McDonalds on bay parkway got the best garbage to eat out of people be takin one bite of they burger then throw it in the garbage and I got in good with the janitor there, his name cedric, and he let me dig thru they garbage but usually I gotta suck him off by the dumpster first. Also sometimes the old Chinese bitches be diggin thru there for bottles to recycle but they usually don’t touch the food tho so we get along I guess.
I got a weird pimple on my dick I tried to show the doctor at the methadone clinic but he try to tell me some shit like “I aint no dick doctor, uzef, you gotta go to the dick doctor for ya dick” I mean a doctor is a doctor I don’t understand why he can’t just look at it and tell me if I gotta get it cut off or whatever.
I usually be sleepin on the D train but sometimes the MTA janitors at Stillwell try to tell me like they wake me up and try to tell me how “sir you cant be sleepin on the train blah blah blah”. I usually just start screamin on em and actin like im a retard or somethin so they leave me alone. I need me a shower too so I might hit up the Y in coney island, they got a back door by the dumpster where I could sneak, yo I be taking mad nice showers at that Y! they got soap an everythin.
Washington cemetery be a good place to sleep too, sometimes there be kids there at night playin manhunt or smokin blunts, I be watchin them without they even knowin it, they think they slick like they the only ones out here or some shit. Every now and then they be leavin bags of chips that they start eatin and I get a nice dinner then. Shit, sometimes they even be leavin like cans of soda and shit too but I gotta be careful with that caffeine cuz of my heart and shit.
the old use the young.
my homies blouse doused with blood.
new new streets paved in fools gold baby you had me at advertisements.
no comment can account poor effort.
is now phone?
new google widget, not quite sure i want quick and easy access to spread open male rectums for clicks.
text my arab and jump out the window.
give me the address share the STD notice cancel the entire month of next february come tiny cancer through cracked window the heroin was well worth sucking dick on the avenue the dust residue stains eyelid and barely stays open.
new wave street hookers the roaches play tag in the catering platters i’ll take mines well done please hun.
cancel the dark and fuck the window haven’t spoken in over 48 hours not calm but bloated nut cum then eroded the entire shoreline while driving my prius to the local NAMBLA function.
squeeze via garbage and please keep a detailed log using only state approved words.
it’s only half person links occasional spam, the author just sparked a loosie in the cancer ward and the ambulance noise annoys until overnight pipebomb delivery.
marone, the tits on my new heroin dealer? fugetaboutit.
try brooklyn without smoking then cancel the overseas account then fax me the evite so my secretary can print it out and jerk me off with it.
Day 60 no sleeping its going ok my concentration is frine the wedding was called off due to AIDS in the pool last real memory something like fisher price babies first overdose on fathers day we burn down the chirches and knock over ancient hebrew gravestones but then the old fat bitch wearing a shower cap on the subway but they cut off my methadon’t but stopped sleeping years ago but seriously.
Day 039 no blinking the stinking pigs put caution tape everywhere cant even meet my guy on the normal corner had to walk all the way around to fuckin 20th avenue
day 897 no drinking water my asshole dry heaves evrytime i try to take a shit and any remaining water i have left in my body i waste by crying at mcdonalds.
Day 874 no breathing its going great i feel great large pieces of my skin just fall right off and my eyes are caked with black clouds of exhaust and everytime i cough i lose a tooth, i have enough to make a necklace at this point, itll make for a great family heirloom that i can pass down to the son i’ll never have due to court ordered castration.
Day 983745 no living its fantastic i have so much free time