Day 60 no sleeping its going ok my concentration is frine the wedding was called off due to AIDS in the pool last real memory something like fisher price babies first overdose on fathers day we burn down the chirches and knock over ancient hebrew gravestones but then the old fat bitch wearing a shower cap on the subway but they cut off my methadon’t but stopped sleeping years ago but seriously.  

Day 039 no blinking the stinking pigs put caution tape everywhere cant even meet my guy on the normal corner had to walk all the way around to fuckin 20th avenue

day 897 no drinking water my asshole dry heaves evrytime i try to take a shit and any remaining water i have left in my body i waste by crying at mcdonalds.  

Day 874 no breathing its going great i feel great large pieces of my skin just fall right off and my eyes are caked with black clouds of exhaust and everytime i cough i lose a tooth, i have enough to make a necklace at this point, itll make for a great family heirloom that i can pass down to the son i’ll never have due to court ordered castration.

Day 983745 no living its fantastic i have so much free time  


for a second there i thought i saw blood in my semen but it was really just a sauce stain on my hand from pizza last night. i ate an entire large pie with pepperoni. the menu said the pie was ‘family sized’ which, if you know me, is very ironic. i sleep walked through the first 6 slices like they were nothing. it wasnt until i took the first bite of the seventh slice when i started to feel insanely dizzy and nauseous and the pizza started to smell like dirty homeless pussy. at that point i put slice #7 down and seriously contemplated suicide. i tried thinking of a reason not to jump out of my 6th story window and the only thing i could come up with is that there was a tiny chance i might survive the fall, which would be a fate both worse than death and worse than my current state of life. so i googled ‘odds of surviving a sixth story fall’ to which i got an answer of roughly 80% chance of death which were not odds i was comfortable with.


“there was that one ko-rean guy who like made this weird leakin radiator noise when he fucked me. you know, like when your radiator comes on, it makes that hissin noise?… uh huh… it would start from his nose and get higher and higher until he finished comin… nah, it would stop suddenly. hold on hun.”
she puts down the phone, finishes putting the diaper on the baby then flings him into his crib, banking him off the wall head first.
she scoops up her phone and a family size bag of cool ranch doritos in one swoop.
“…that lil gook fucker dug his fingers into muh back so hard i was bruised for like a month… i mean it was probably smaller than average but it fit him, he was a little dude, it looked normal on him, it would of been even weirder if his dick were bigger…ugh, i do not need to be seeing that. hold on shoog, muh pads full” she reaches up her denim cut off skirt and pulls down her stained panties, removing a maxi pad drenched in dark red, almost brown dried blood. she throws the pad and banks it off the wall right into baby’s crib. he grabs it and starts chewing on it.
“…mmmhmm, girl, didnt i tell you last week at church that he got a fat ass dick?”
she lights a pall mall 100 with a match, tosses the match into the baby crib. baby catches fire.
“…that dont mean he aint a good hunter, tho. i been with a few one armed men who could still handle a bow.” cigarette in mouth, she grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the baby.
“alright hun, i’ll call ya later.” she hangs up her phone, takes a look at the baby and says, “bobby ray junior, look at this mess you done made!”

feel hungry then notice i haven’t blinked for the past half hour and the pages of my journal are stained with fresh liquid so i take the journal and throw it against the fucking wall then i:

  • do weird shit to my dick,
  • blink uncontrollably like a fucking retard,
  • squeeze my ass and rub my belly and vice versa

then watch akira in hd and get a hard on when the clowns rip kaori’s shirt off and punch her in the stomach then download super hi res close up images of gaping vaginas and rub my dick painfully onto my computer screen then cum into a styrofoam cup then throw the cup out of the window and watch it slowly float down 6 flights then wait 20 minutes for my slut ex-wife to come and drink it but she never does so i watch 24 hour news instead but only for like five minutes or so.

at 1:30 in the morning the acid kicks in and i start organizing reorganizing the clothes in my closet while grinding my teeth and listening to dubstep on headphones at full volume and when the beat drops i picture:

  • myself screaming at the top of my lungs,
  • my guts exploding,
  • children bathed in blood,
  • burning everything down with fire,
  • smiling awkwardly while posing for a picture next to my father’s tombstone when i was 15 as he rotted in the soil directly underneath my feet.

then i start to see the lights:

  • strobe lights,
  • flashing lights,
  • neon lights,
  • streaks of light going in every direction that all intersect at the crossroads of nothing and forever.

then i organize reorganize the massive porno collection on my computer and jerk off for 3 hours straight but i can’t seem to come but then all of a sudden i manage to come out of nowhere even though i’m not even jerking off and my dick isn’t hard.

then i take a shower but i can’t feel the water so i take its word for it and look at the water with my eyes closed while scrubbing my asshole clean with unscented soap.

work was stressful and i want to blow off some steam so when i get home i start trolling various prostitutes on craigslist and eroticreview with impossible requests like asking them if they can accommodate a giant dildo shaped like a horse cock or if any of them were okay with first breaking into then having sex at the old soviet preschool i attended from the age of 4 to 6 where the teachers would beat the shit out of me and refuse to give me my anemia medicine and pull my hair out when i made fun of their stupid russian accents. on the phone one mexican whore named maria said she could accommodate the horse dildo but hung up on me when i asked her if she was interested in purchasing the one i owned instead then i jerked off to a porn clip of a girl actually taking a horse dildo into her ass and i didn’t get off on it because of the horse cock, i got off on it because she was really good at pretending like she enjoyed it. the orgasm was decent despite jerking off 17 times yesterday and not drinking any fluids for the past 3 days.

“Well, the results of the endoscopy are in… and those results… coupled with my findings while performing your physical examination… well… it doesn’t look too good… looks like you have stomach cancer. As a matter of fact, according to the endoscopy, it’s a very rare, advanced type of stomach cancer… You’re quite a lucky boy! But I see you don’t have any health insurance, how were you planning on paying for this visit? You know what? On second thought, empty your pockets right now, I know you can’t afford this shit, hands against the fucking wall!”

Doctor Soetoro bends me over and starts frisking but jokes on him, all he’s gonna find on me is:

  • a condom that I poked holes in with a needle
  • the dirty needle I used to do it
  • 5 Canadian Nickels
  • my state mandated Gender Affiliation, Race, Highest Level of Education Achieved and Socioeconomic Status ID / EBT Card / GPS Tracker / Government Controlled Explosive Device


  • one half eaten ration packet consisting of State Approved Non-Flavored Nutritional Mush

“Uhhh, gee, I dunno doc, ya take cash? I mean Euros? Shekels? Bitcoin? Pounds of flax? Can you bill me for it? Will I die soon? Am I treatable? Do I want to be treatable? Is there will be chemo? Why is you touching me down there? Are you my uncle too?”
He reaches into my pocket and ‘accidentally’ touches my dick, “oh my, doctor!”
He fishes out the nickels and while counting them says, “I’m not an oncologist so I can’t say,” then he shoves his fist into my other pocket, “but I will say this though, judging by its size,” he grabs my dick again, “it’s definitely inoperable.”
“Are you talking about the cancer now or my dick?” Wink wink.
“Stop it you idiot. I would just put yourself down, with chemo you might add a couple months to your life but you won’t save it, are you prepared to spend tens of thousands of dollars on something as trivial as your life?”
He takes my pants and underwear off.
“Gee, I guess when you put it that way…”