I’m a simple guy. I go to McDonald’s for lunch. I use the app to order my food so i can avoid all human contact and so i can get the exclusive daily app deals. Today i got 2 cheeseburgers, a medium fries and a medium diet coke for four dollars and 34 cent, 950 total calories or 0.004568 cents per calorie. You know, nothin fancy, just killin time before i gotta go back to work at the abortion clinic.

Just a basic all american boy. I grew up regular, just like you. Dad was a violent Russian mob junkie. Mom was a cold, unloving, cross eyed whore. We were so poor that a couple times i had to drink Italian dressing for dinner but ya know, it is what it is, gotta break a few eggs if u wanna make a bacon egg and cheese, right?

I had a pretty regular childhood, got into ketamine and LSD when i was 15 and did them every weekend for 6 years. Didn’t do me no harm, i grew up just frine.     

When I eat at McDonald’s i like to get a nice window seat so i can see the beautiful Brooklyn streets for all their glory. It’s pretty cool, usually there’s a few crackheads right outside digging through the gutter for pennies or dirty cigarette butts to smoke. Look, the view aint no Mount Everest but i take what i can get, ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ my grandpa told me on his deathbed as he coughed up blood and shitted all over himself.

Sometimes when I eat lunch at Mickey D’s, which is everyday, i start to feel sad and depressed like. And i can never figure out why. Is it because i only got a medium fries instead of the large? Should i have got a regular coke instead of a diet? They say that artificial sweetener is no good for you but the doctor that administers my chemo never said that i shouldn’t have it and i mean you gotta trust a doctor. They went to school for a long time which means they’re really smart. And when i feel sad like this at McDonald’s not even staring at the other customers can make me feel better. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m no looker, i was born with my ears where my eyes should be and somehow my eyes ended up in my ball sack while my balls are where my ears should be, but that’s OK, I’m fine not bein some hunk Burt Reynolds type of guy. i know who and what i am so it don’t make no real difference for me. But these people at McDonald’s, they got all their eyes, their ears are in the right place. They got the ability to make children and everythin. They really got the whole world in they hands but they still look miserable and if i didn’t actually see them moving around and stuff, then i’d think they were just dead already. And they’re all so fat. And I’m no Arnold Schwarzenigga, i weigh about 250 but i aint got no legs since i lost them to my battle against diabetes, so i got like a really good excuse for not workin out. What’s their excuse? True, half of them are in wheelchairs but the half who aint? Why come they cant just work out? Even i have a Curves gym membership. Anyway, i’m drifting off course now, these cheese-hamburgers are hittin me hard and i gotta shoot up some insulin in the bathroom before i lose another limb or two.   

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