I tell the whore to take her clothes off and lay on the bed and as she does so i sneak into the bathroom where i stare at myself in the mirror for so long that after a while the prostitute starts knocking on the bathroom door then in a motel housekeeper accent says, “meester di blasio, you come fuck me now?” I take off my freshly pressed and tailored mayoral suit, tie a barbed wire noose around my dick then break open the bathroom door with an ax while shouting “HEEEEEEEERES BILLYYYYYYY”. Two weeks later Consuelo Margarita Gonzalez is named new CEO and Chairwoman of the MTA.
As soon as I get home I turn on my computer and weed vaporizer and then devour two big macs, fries and nuggets in less than 4 minutes. It’s 2:39 in the morning and I feel nauseous and dizzy. I go to my computer and check craigslist to see if Suzie’s ad is still there and it is and I feel sad thinking about her having fun and squirting all over some other creep that she’s picked up on some dark perverted, fringe of the web.
Once my vaporizer is warmed up to 371 degrees I use it to inflate a big balloons worth of pot vapor then take huge pulls off it while cruising pornhub for videos of girls farting or pissing in spandex, sharting, shitting in panties or generally wearing dirty panties and I end up finding and downloading about 50 or so clips. Pornhub ends up taking a lot longer than I want and by the time I look at the clock again it’s almost 4 in the morning and I’ve vaped another 3 balloons worth of pot vapor on autopilot.
I jerk off to porn of a blonde MILF who slightly resembles Suzie, this one also squirts but her name is Brianna and she rubs her pussy in the video and fucks herself with a purple, conical shaped dildo while having a pink butt plug up her ass. She stands right over the camera when she squirts and it drips down onto and all over the lens and as I cum I start to strangle myself with my left hand and imagine drowning to death and only when my eyes start to roll up and I almost pass out do I take another breath.
I put out a personal on craigslist in the ‘casual encounters’ section with the title ‘Looking For Girls to Fart On Me’
In the ad I write ‘I am a 26 year old drug and disease free white man named Stan and I am looking for girls to fart on me, all over my body but mostly my face, while wearing tight spandex pants of any color’.
I specify 18-55 as the preferred age range and say that they must shower before hand and I will return the favor.
My dick gets hard as I type out the ad and midway through writing it I start to shiver uncontrollably and my hands go numb and I start to sweat heavily and this might be an acid flashback so I hurry up and finish the ad off by saying ‘you don’t have to touch my dick if you don’t want to but I will not stop you if you try’ then I put Bensonhurst as my location and submit the ad then I get the cigar box from under my futon and take out a small baggie of coke, an AOL free trial CD, my school MetroCard and the hollowed body of a Bic pen that I’ve cut in half then empty out 2 medium sized rails worth of C onto the AOL case and start fixing them up with the metro card and before I snort the first line I check my email and there’s already like 5 responses to my ad, four of which are probably robots, so I rip the rails then click on the first response.
regardless of your gender, when you eat cannabis edibles, the place where you first feel the effects is your eyes as they slowly start to droop then melt off of your face. the second place you feel it is your balls as they start to tingle.
i cry a lot and feel real bad but then i get real high and smoke a bowl for 3 hours straight while watching the home shopping network and infomercials that make me horny and i masturbate to one of them about brazilian butt lifting but my dick hole burns when i come and it also burns when i pee and then i start feeling like i constantly have to pee but no pee comes out so i stand over the toilet for an hour while every now and then one sad drop of pee comes out and at some point i think i might start peeing blood but i never do so i start crying again then take another shower…
On the news this morning there were stories about crazy, murderous people of various ethnicities. Then a story about crime stats and how so far this year murder rates are through the roof. Then another story about how crime stats are bullshit anyway and can be forged and manipulated to say whatever the Powers That Be want. Then a story about a puppy that was born in New Mexico who looks like a Jewish Celebrity. Then a story about a scientific research study that showed that the company who funded the scientific research study also coincidentally makes a product that the scientific research study proved was good for human health. Then a story about a 4 year old girl who was gang raped by the entire Parliament, Prime Minister and Supreme Court of India, then another puppy story and a story about what shenanigans Miley is up to these days. I didn’t pay much attention to the broadcast but it was nice to have some white noise on while I arranged and organized three terabytes of Brazilian Lesbian Ass Licking Porn on my computer.
I’m gonna kill myself this time, I swear it. But first I just wanna use the bathroom to pee. And also I’d like to perfectly arrange all the shoes in my closet by size, color and brand just one last time. Then I’m going to kill myself for sure. Although I did want to get caught up on some TV shows. And jerk off. But before I do that I should probably download the newest MomPOV porn clips. OK, so in an hour, after those are done downloading, and 2 minutes after that when I’m done jerking off, I’ll kill myself. I do tend to get hungry after jerking off though. Maybe I’ll get some taco’s first. Although I’ll probably end up overeating again, at which point I’ll be too full to kill myself, so I’ll have to smoke a little pot to soothe my fat bloated stomach. And since I’ll be getting high i might as well start watching those TV shows but half way through watching I’ll probably get horny and have to jerk off again but this time I won’t download any new mompov porn, this way it’ll take probably take closer to 5 minutes to finish instead of the usual 2, and as soon as I’m done doing all that… then I’ll kill myself.
…Although back to back jerk off sessions do seem to make me very tired. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep after. Then when I wake up, that’ll be the perfect time to kill myself. But then it’ll be time for work and my work ethic is so great and I don’t like to let my underappreciative boss down so I guess maybe I’ll just work the day out. Then when I get home I’ll finally kill myself.
But first I’ll probably have to pee again.