for a second there i thought i saw blood in my semen but it was really just a sauce stain on my hand from pizza last night. i ate an entire large pie with pepperoni. the menu said the pie was ‘family sized’ which, if you know me, is very ironic. i sleep walked through the first 6 slices like they were nothing. it wasnt until i took the first bite of the seventh slice when i started to feel insanely dizzy and nauseous and the pizza started to smell like dirty homeless pussy. at that point i put slice #7 down and seriously contemplated suicide. i tried thinking of a reason not to jump out of my 6th story window and the only thing i could come up with is that there was a tiny chance i might survive the fall, which would be a fate both worse than death and worse than my current state of life. so i googled ‘odds of surviving a sixth story fall’ to which i got an answer of 50% chance of dying from a fall from 4 stories up and 90% chance of death from 7 stories which i guess worked out to roughly 80% chance of death from the sixth story which were not odds i was comfortable with.
I tell the whore to take her clothes off and lay on the bed and as she does so i sneak into the bathroom where i stare at myself in the mirror for so long that after a while the prostitute starts knocking on the bathroom door then in a motel housekeeper accent says, “meester di blasio, you come fuck me now?” I take off my freshly pressed and tailored mayoral suit, tie a barbed wire noose around my dick then break open the bathroom door with an ax while shouting “HEEEEEEEERES BILLYYYYYYY”. Two weeks later Consuelo Margarita Gonzalez is named new CEO and Chairwoman of the MTA.
As soon as I get home I turn on my computer and weed vaporizer and then devour two big macs, fries and nuggets in less than 4 minutes. It’s 2:39 in the morning and I feel nauseous and dizzy. I go to my computer and check craigslist to see if Suzie’s ad is still there and it is and I feel sad thinking about her having fun and squirting all over some other creep that she’s picked up on some dark perverted, fringe of the web.
Once my vaporizer is warmed up to 371 degrees I use it to inflate a big balloons worth of pot vapor then take huge pulls off it while cruising pornhub for videos of girls farting or pissing in spandex, sharting, shitting in panties or generally wearing dirty panties and I end up finding and downloading about 50 or so clips. Pornhub ends up taking a lot longer than I want and by the time I look at the clock again it’s almost 4 in the morning and I’ve vaped another 3 balloons worth of pot vapor on autopilot.
I jerk off to porn of a blonde MILF who slightly resembles Suzie, this one also squirts but her name is Brianna and she rubs her pussy in the video and fucks herself with a purple, conical shaped dildo while having a pink butt plug up her ass. She stands right over the camera when she squirts and it drips down onto and all over the lens and as I cum I start to strangle myself with my left hand and imagine drowning to death and only when my eyes start to roll up and I almost pass out do I take another breath.
I put out a personal on craigslist in the ‘casual encounters’ section with the title ‘Looking For Girls to Fart On Me’
In the ad I write ‘I am a 26 year old drug and disease free white man named Stan and I am looking for girls to fart on me, all over my body but mostly my face, while wearing tight spandex pants of any color’.
I specify 18-55 as the preferred age range and say that they must shower before hand and I will return the favor.
My dick gets hard as I type out the ad and midway through writing it I start to shiver uncontrollably and my hands go numb and I start to sweat heavily and this might be an acid flashback so I hurry up and finish the ad off by saying ‘you don’t have to touch my dick if you don’t want to but I will not stop you if you try’ then I put Bensonhurst as my location and submit the ad then I get the cigar box from under my futon and take out a small baggie of coke, an AOL free trial CD, my school MetroCard and the hollowed body of a Bic pen that I’ve cut in half then empty out 2 medium sized rails worth of C onto the AOL case and start fixing them up with the metro card and before I snort the first line I check my email and there’s already like 5 responses to my ad, four of which are probably robots, so I rip the rails then click on the first response.
i cry a lot and feel real bad but then i get real high and smoke a bowl for 3 hours straight while watching the home shopping network and infomercials that make me horny and i masturbate to one of them about brazilian butt lifting but my dick hole burns when i come and it also burns when i pee and then i start feeling like i constantly have to pee but no pee comes out so i stand over the toilet for an hour while every now and then one sad drop of pee comes out and at some point i think i might start peeing blood but i never do so i start crying again then take another shower…
At McDonalds I get a big mac value meal with diet coke, a four piece nuggets plus one additional big mac. The cashier is a pale Muslim girl, chubby and cute, and I imagine she’s a model student, hard worker and probably has a hairy pussy and I wonder what it smells like, if it smells bad, like rotten onions, or when was the last time she took a shower or a shit and what color panties she has on and if they’re silky or sweaty or shitty or stinky as she bags my fries and asks me what sauce I want for my nuggets. “Uhmmmmm, is there a teriyaki one?” knowing full well there fucking isn’t . She says as much so I say, “I guess I’ll take a barbecue, then” as I smile at her, fake defeated, and she smiles back, obligatorily, while blinking her bushy eyebrows, a set of chubby young tits hidden behind her hideous McDonald’s uniform blouse.
She says ‘we’re just waiting on your macs, sir’ and for me to step down to the side so she can take the next order and as I stare at her I imagine us having rough sex, tearing holes in her uniform, in her pants, and then fucking her through the holes as she slaps and laughs at me and I start to get a hard on so I take out my phone and go on Instagram and look at pictures of puppies, dank memes, anything to make my hard on go away until finally she says, “here you are, sir,” and I grab my food and diet coke abruptly and stalk back off to the car.
my eyes started to cross and my vision blurred. By the time it was over and my sight had returned the entire room was full of dead Brazilian tranny whores and had that burnt plastic smell of someone smoking crack out of a broken light bulb and also I was crying. That was the day I decided to step down as the commissioner of the MTA.