for a second there i thought i saw blood in my semen but it was really just a sauce stain on my hand from pizza last night. i ate an entire large pie with pepperoni. the menu said the pie was ‘family sized’ which, if you know me, is very ironic. i sleep walked through the first 6 slices like they were nothing. it wasnt until i took the first bite of the seventh slice when i started to feel insanely dizzy and nauseous and the pizza started to smell like dirty homeless pussy. at that point i put slice #7 down and seriously contemplated suicide. i tried thinking of a reason not to jump out of my 6th story window and the only thing i could come up with is that there was a tiny chance i might survive the fall, which would be a fate both worse than death and worse than my current state of life. so i googled ‘odds of surviving a sixth story fall’ to which i got an answer of 50% chance of dying from a fall from 4 stories up and 90% chance of death from 7 stories which i guess worked out to roughly 80% chance of death from the sixth story which were not odds i was comfortable with.
I tell the whore to take her clothes off and lay on the bed and as she does so i sneak into the bathroom where i stare at myself in the mirror for so long that after a while the prostitute starts knocking on the bathroom door then in a motel housekeeper accent says, “meester di blasio, you come fuck me now?” I take off my freshly pressed and tailored mayoral suit, tie a barbed wire noose around my dick then break open the bathroom door with an ax while shouting “HEEEEEEEERES BILLYYYYYYY”. Two weeks later Consuelo Margarita Gonzalez is named new CEO and Chairwoman of the MTA.
As soon as I get home I turn on my computer and weed vaporizer and then devour two big macs, fries and nuggets in less than 4 minutes. It’s 2:39 in the morning and I feel nauseous and dizzy. I go to my computer and check craigslist to see if Suzie’s ad is still there and it is and I feel sad thinking about her having fun and squirting all over some other creep that she’s picked up on some dark perverted, fringe of the web.
Once my vaporizer is warmed up to 371 degrees I use it to inflate a big balloons worth of pot vapor then take huge pulls off it while cruising pornhub for videos of girls farting or pissing in spandex, sharting, shitting in panties or generally wearing dirty panties and I end up finding and downloading about 50 or so clips. Pornhub ends up taking a lot longer than I want and by the time I look at the clock again it’s almost 4 in the morning and I’ve vaped another 3 balloons worth of pot vapor on autopilot.
I jerk off to porn of a blonde MILF who slightly resembles Suzie, this one also squirts but her name is Brianna and she rubs her pussy in the video and fucks herself with a purple, conical shaped dildo while having a pink butt plug up her ass. She stands right over the camera when she squirts and it drips down onto and all over the lens and as I cum I start to strangle myself with my left hand and imagine drowning to death and only when my eyes start to roll up and I almost pass out do I take another breath.
i cry a lot and feel real bad but then i get real high and smoke a bowl for 3 hours straight while watching the home shopping network and infomercials that make me horny and i masturbate to one of them about brazilian butt lifting but my dick hole burns when i come and it also burns when i pee and then i start feeling like i constantly have to pee but no pee comes out so i stand over the toilet for an hour while every now and then one sad drop of pee comes out and at some point i think i might start peeing blood but i never do so i start crying again then take another shower…
my eyes started to cross and my vision blurred. By the time it was over and my sight had returned the entire room was full of dead Brazilian tranny whores and had that burnt plastic smell of someone smoking crack out of a broken light bulb and also I was crying. That was the day I decided to step down as the commissioner of the MTA.
Lots of people get on the train and once they sit I begin playing a game of ‘let’s see who’s going to shoot up the train today’. Obvious first contestant: smarmy Arab guy with a beard, dyed red and hanging down to his chest, pale skin, probably from one of the Stan-countries. He looks like a bad guy extra straight out of True Lies and I peak at his torso to see any signs of a suicide vest but feel mildly disappointed when I don’t. His pants are so short that i can see he doesn’t have a gun on his ankle. Most likely he represents no danger to me but I move to sit behind him anyway, just in case. It’s not that I care if he kills me, on the contrary, i hope he does, it’s just that i don’t want to be the first one to die because the first person to die in a mass shooting never sees it coming and when the motherfuckers finally do come for me I want to look them right in the eyes when they do me. I probably got too high this morning. My eyes feel watery. I’m forgetting to blink. My irregular heartbeat acts up. I snap out of it and take out my phone, log the 15 calories worth of unsweetened almond milk I had in my coffee this morning into my calorie counting app, this despite emotionally eating over 4000 calories yesterday. I wanna be sexually dominated by every woman over 40 on this train, even the ones I don’t find sexually attractive. Maybe even especially them. Last night I fucked a Chinese whore at the rub and tug parlor on 18th avenue near the ghetto Chinese Buffet. The no frills condoms at the spa were cheap, unlubed jobs that were a little too small on me, which made my dick chafe and tugged on me painfully as I fucked Neiku, a flabby fifty something gook with yellow teeth. Despite the pain it still only took me 15 minutes to cum, even though I jerked off 17 times throughout the course of the day. I later found out via Google translate that Neiku meant ‘panty’ in mandarin, which was ironic because she didn’t wear any.
“there was that one ko-rean guy who like made this weird leakin radiator noise when he fucked me. you know, like when your radiator comes on, it makes that hissin noise?… uh huh… it would start from his nose and get higher and higher until he finished comin… nah, it would stop suddenly. hold on hun.”
she puts down the phone, finishes putting the diaper on the baby then flings him into his crib, banking him off the wall head first.
she scoops up her phone and a family size bag of cool ranch doritos in one swoop.
“…that lil gook fucker dug his fingers into muh back so hard i was bruised for like a month… i mean it was probably smaller than average but it fit him, he was a little dude, it looked normal on him, it would of been even weirder if his dick were bigger…ugh, i do not need to be seeing that. hold on shoog, muh pads full” she reaches up her denim cut off skirt and pulls down her stained panties, removing a maxi pad drenched in dark red, almost brown dried blood. she throws the pad and banks it off the wall right into baby’s crib. he grabs it and starts chewing on it.
“…mmmhmm, girl, didnt i tell you last week at church that he got a fat ass dick?”
she lights a pall mall 100 with a match, tosses the match into the baby crib. baby catches fire.
“…that dont mean he aint a good hunter, tho. i been with a few one armed men who could still handle a bow.” cigarette in mouth, she grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the baby.
“alright hun, i’ll call ya later.” she hangs up her phone, takes a look at the baby and says, “bobby ray junior, look at this mess you done made!”