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the McDonald’s mating dance ritual is when you go to McDonald’s and like a predator, like a hound toothed sexual predator, you scope out the trashiest, thickest assed milf you can find, preferably one wearing spandex pants that are so tight you can see the color and shape of her panties. Once you’ve identified her, approach cautiously and walk around her in a counterclockwise fashion (but always mindful that you’re facing mecca) with your hands on your hips (think: fat flamboyant but sassy gay black guy). Walk around her in a circle like this for 5 minutes. If she hasn’t called the police yet, go behind her, drop to your knees, grab her hips and shove your face DEEP into her ass. Once your nose is firmly planted near her asshole, proceed to take deep, huge, greedy breaths of air. If she farts on your face while you’re doing this, then congrats! she has accepted you as a suitable mate. Go to the cashier and ask for the Manager, Cedric. For a nominal fee of $666 he will grant you a marriage certificate, full SNAP benefits and one complimentary session at the St. Obama Fertility Center of the People’s Republic of New York.

the good news is my testicular cancer has gone into remission. the bad news is I’m going to murder my wife and stepson in their sleep tonight. I’ll do it after watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. i’ll masturbate to him interviewing Bernie Sanders and right when Bernie says, “taxation is the price you pay for living in a civilization” is when i’ll cum.  Then once I’ve expelled the toxic masculinity out of me, i’ll murder my adopted stepson little Deandre Marquis, via strangulation, while wearing vegan leather gloves so as to A. not leave any prints on him and B. not harm any animals. I don’t want Deandre Marquis to scream and wake up his mother Imani so I’ll punch him in the face first, making sure to knock him out, before i strangle the life from his poor marginalized body. Before i move on to Imani i’ll pack a quick Bathing Ape duffel bag with just the essentials: a dozen american apparel vegan organic v necks made from sustainably farmed virgin hand spun cotton, an autographed copy of George Clooneys revised and updated biography: George Clooney: The Last Great Movie Star, my 16 inch nitrile powder free extra girthy black dildo, plenty of sea salt sprinkled soy protein crisps, six pairs of APC raw denim jeans that i haven’t been able to break in yet, my $650 limited edition onitsuka tigers designed by Jean Paul Gaultier and the estrogen pills I have to take as part of my state mandated emasculation. Once I’ve packed all that i’ll murder Imani, also via strangulation, while wearing the same vegan leather gloves. I’ll make sure her clothes stay on so as to not accidentally rape her while i kill her. Then i’ll take out the recyclables and start charging the electric car for the long drive down to the St. Obama Mexico State Gender Reassignment and Abortion Center of the People’s Republic of America where i’ll begin my new life as the woman i could never be while still pretending to function in this heteronormative family unit.