I’m a simple guy. I go to McDonald’s for lunch. I use the app to order my food so i can avoid all human contact and so i can get the exclusive daily app deals. Today i got 2 cheeseburgers, a medium fries and a medium diet coke for four dollars and 34 cent, 950 total calories or 0.004568 cents per calorie. You know, nothin fancy, just killin time before i gotta go back to work at the abortion clinic.  

When I eat at McDonald’s i like to get a nice window seat so i can see the beautiful Brooklyn streets for all their glory. It’s pretty cool, usually there’s a few crackheads right outside digging through the gutter for pennies or dirty cigarette butts to smoke. Look, the view aint no Mount Everest but i take what i can get, ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ my grandpa told me on his deathbed as he coughed up blood and shitted all over himself.

Sometimes when I eat lunch at Mickey D’s, which is everyday, i start to feel sad and depressed like. And i can never figure out why. Is it because i only got a medium fries instead of the large? Should i have got a regular coke instead of a diet? They say that artificial sweetener is no good for you but the doctor that administers my chemo never said that i shouldn’t have it and i mean you gotta trust a doctor. They went to school for a long time which means they’re really smart. And when i feel sad like this at McDonald’s not even staring at the other customers can make me feel better. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m no looker, i was born with my ears where my eyes should be and somehow my eyes ended up in my ball sack while my balls are where my ears should be, but that’s OK, I’m fine not bein some hunk Burt Reynolds type of guy. i know who and what i am so it don’t make no real difference for me. But these people at McDonald’s, they got all their eyes, their ears are in the right place. They got the ability to make children and everythin. They really got the whole world in they hands but they still look miserable and if i didn’t actually see them moving around and stuff, then i’d think they were just dead already. And they’re all so fat. And I’m no Arnold Schwarzenigga, i weigh about 250 but i aint got no legs since i lost them to my battle against diabetes, so i got like a really good excuse for not workin out. What’s their excuse? True, half of them are in wheelchairs but the half who aint? Why come they cant just work out? Even i have a Curves gym membership. Anyway, i’m drifting off course now, these cheese-hamburgers are hittin me hard and i gotta shoot up some insulin in the bathroom before i lose another limb or two.   

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the McDonald’s mating dance ritual is when you go to McDonald’s and like a predator, like a hound toothed sexual predator, you scope out the trashiest, thiccest milf you can find. Once you’ve identified her, approach cautiously and walk around her in a counterclockwise fashion (but always mindful that you’re facing mecca) with your hands on your hips (flamboyant sassy gay black guy). Walk around her in a circle like this for 5 minutes. If she hasn’t called the police yet, go behind her, drop to your knees, grab her hips and shove your face DEEP into her ass. Once your nose is firmly planted near her asshole, proceed to take deep, huge, greedy breaths of air. If she farts on your face while you’re doing this, then congrats! she has accepted you as a suitable mate. Go to the cashier and ask for the Manager, Cedric. For a nominal fee of $666 he will grant you a marriage certificate, full SNAP benefits and one complimentary session at the St. Obama Fertility Center of the People’s Republic of New York.

For my bachelor party my friends had decided to pitch in to get me a hot Latina prostitute for one hour. Well, she was older than she was hot. I had her sit on my face and came almost immediately. I came so hard my face got all screwed up and my eyes crossed and when she saw how stupid i looked she laughed at me which made me come even more. We spent the other 58 minutes laying on her bed and looking at social media on our phones in silence. It was a true girlfriend experience.