regardless of your gender, when you eat cannabis edibles, the place where you first feel the effects is your eyes as they slowly start to droop then melt off of your face. the second place you feel it is your balls as they start to tingle.
On the news this morning there were stories about crazy, murderous people of various ethnicities. Then a story about crime stats and how so far this year murder rates are through the roof. Then another story about how crime stats are bullshit anyway and can be forged and manipulated to say whatever the Powers That Be want. Then a story about a puppy that was born in New Mexico who looks like a Jewish Celebrity. Then a story about a scientific research study that showed that the company who funded the scientific research study also coincidentally makes a product that the scientific research study proved was good for human health. Then a story about a 4 year old girl who was gang raped by the entire Parliament, Prime Minister and Supreme Court of India, then another puppy story and a story about what shenanigans Miley is up to these days. I didn’t pay much attention to the broadcast but it was nice to have some white noise on while I arranged and organized three terabytes of Brazilian Lesbian Ass Licking Porn on my computer.
I’m gonna kill myself this time, I swear it. But first I just wanna use the bathroom to pee. And also I’d like to perfectly arrange all the shoes in my closet by size, color and brand just one last time. Then I’m going to kill myself for sure. Although I did want to get caught up on some TV shows. And jerk off. But before I do that I should probably download the newest MomPOV porn clips. OK, so in an hour, after those are done downloading, and 2 minutes after that when I’m done jerking off, I’ll kill myself. I do tend to get hungry after jerking off though. Maybe I’ll get some taco’s first. Although I’ll probably end up overeating again, at which point I’ll be too full to kill myself, so I’ll have to smoke a little pot to soothe my fat bloated stomach. And since I’ll be getting high i might as well start watching those TV shows but half way through watching I’ll probably get horny and have to jerk off again but this time I won’t download any new mompov porn, this way it’ll take probably take closer to 5 minutes to finish instead of the usual 2, and as soon as I’m done doing all that… then I’ll kill myself.
…Although back to back jerk off sessions do seem to make me very tired. Maybe I’ll just go to sleep after. Then when I wake up, that’ll be the perfect time to kill myself. But then it’ll be time for work and my work ethic is so great and I don’t like to let my underappreciative boss down so I guess maybe I’ll just work the day out. Then when I get home I’ll finally kill myself.
But first I’ll probably have to pee again.
At McDonalds I get a big mac value meal with diet coke, a four piece nuggets plus one additional big mac. The cashier is a pale Muslim girl, chubby and cute, and I imagine she’s a model student, hard worker and probably has a hairy pussy and I wonder what it smells like, if it smells bad, like rotten onions, or when was the last time she took a shower or a shit and what color panties she has on and if they’re silky or sweaty or shitty or stinky as she bags my fries and asks me what sauce I want for my nuggets. “Uhmmmmm, is there a teriyaki one?” knowing full well there fucking isn’t . She says as much so I say, “I guess I’ll take a barbecue, then” as I smile at her, fake defeated, and she smiles back, obligatorily, while blinking her bushy eyebrows, a set of chubby young tits hidden behind her hideous McDonald’s uniform blouse.
She says ‘we’re just waiting on your macs, sir’ and for me to step down to the side so she can take the next order and as I stare at her I imagine us having rough sex, tearing holes in her uniform, in her pants, and then fucking her through the holes as she slaps and laughs at me and I start to get a hard on so I take out my phone and go on Instagram and look at pictures of puppies, dank memes, anything to make my hard on go away until finally she says, “here you are, sir,” and I grab my food and diet coke abruptly and stalk back off to the car.
my eyes started to cross and my vision blurred. By the time it was over and my sight had returned the entire room was full of dead Brazilian tranny whores and had that burnt plastic smell of someone smoking crack out of a broken light bulb and also I was crying. That was the day I decided to step down as the commissioner of the MTA.
Lots of people get on the train and once they sit I begin playing a game of ‘let’s see who’s going to shoot up the train today’. Obvious first contestant: smarmy Arab guy with a beard, dyed red and hanging down to his chest, pale skin, probably from one of the Stan-countries. He looks like a bad guy extra straight out of True Lies and I peak at his torso to see any signs of a suicide vest but feel mildly disappointed when I don’t. His pants are so short that i can see he doesn’t have a gun on his ankle. Most likely he represents no danger to me but I move to sit behind him anyway, just in case. It’s not that I care if he kills me, on the contrary, i hope he does, it’s just that i don’t want to be the first one to die because the first person to die in a mass shooting never sees it coming and when the motherfuckers finally do come for me I want to look them right in the eyes when they do me. I probably got too high this morning. My eyes feel watery. I’m forgetting to blink. My irregular heartbeat acts up. I snap out of it and take out my phone, log the 15 calories worth of unsweetened almond milk I had in my coffee this morning into my calorie counting app, this despite emotionally eating over 4000 calories yesterday. I wanna be sexually dominated by every woman over 40 on this train, even the ones I don’t find sexually attractive. Maybe even especially them. Last night I fucked a Chinese whore at the rub and tug parlor on 18th avenue near the ghetto Chinese Buffet. The no frills condoms at the spa were cheap, unlubed jobs that were a little too small on me, which made my dick chafe and tugged on me painfully as I fucked Neiku, a flabby fifty something gook with yellow teeth. Despite the pain it still only took me 15 minutes to cum, even though I jerked off 17 times throughout the course of the day. I later found out via Google translate that Neiku meant ‘panty’ in mandarin, which was ironic because she didn’t wear any.
“there was that one ko-rean guy who like made this weird leakin radiator noise when he fucked me. you know, like when your radiator comes on, it makes that hissin noise?… uh huh… it would start from his nose and get higher and higher until he finished comin… nah, it would stop suddenly. hold on hun.”
she puts down the phone, finishes putting the diaper on the baby then flings him into his crib, banking him off the wall head first.
she scoops up her phone and a family size bag of cool ranch doritos in one swoop.
“…that lil gook fucker dug his fingers into muh back so hard i was bruised for like a month… i mean it was probably smaller than average but it fit him, he was a little dude, it looked normal on him, it would of been even weirder if his dick were bigger…ugh, i do not need to be seeing that. hold on shoog, muh pads full” she reaches up her denim cut off skirt and pulls down her stained panties, removing a maxi pad drenched in dark red, almost brown dried blood. she throws the pad and banks it off the wall right into baby’s crib. he grabs it and starts chewing on it.
“…mmmhmm, girl, didnt i tell you last week at church that he got a fat ass dick?”
she lights a pall mall 100 with a match, tosses the match into the baby crib. baby catches fire.
“…that dont mean he aint a good hunter, tho. i been with a few one armed men who could still handle a bow.” cigarette in mouth, she grabs a fire extinguisher and puts out the baby.
“alright hun, i’ll call ya later.” she hangs up her phone, takes a look at the baby and says, “bobby ray junior, look at this mess you done made!”