I’m a simple guy. I go to McDonald’s for lunch. I use the app to order my food so i can avoid all human contact and so i can get the exclusive daily app deals. Today i got 2 cheeseburgers, a medium fries and a medium diet coke for four dollars and 34 cent, 950 total calories or 0.004568 cents per calorie. You know, nothin fancy, just killin time before i gotta go back to work at the abortion clinic.

Just a basic all american boy. I grew up regular, just like you. Dad was a violent Russian mob junkie. Mom was a cold, unloving, cross eyed whore. We were so poor that a couple times i had to drink Italian dressing for dinner but ya know, it is what it is, gotta break a few eggs if u wanna make a bacon egg and cheese, right?

I had a pretty regular childhood, got into ketamine and LSD when i was 15 and did them every weekend for 6 years. Didn’t do me no harm, i grew up just frine.     

When I eat at McDonald’s i like to get a nice window seat so i can see the beautiful Brooklyn streets for all their glory. It’s pretty cool, usually there’s a few crackheads right outside digging through the gutter for pennies or dirty cigarette butts to smoke. Look, the view aint no Mount Everest but i take what i can get, ‘beggars can’t be choosers’ my grandpa told me on his deathbed as he coughed up blood and shitted all over himself.

Sometimes when I eat lunch at Mickey D’s, which is everyday, i start to feel sad and depressed like. And i can never figure out why. Is it because i only got a medium fries instead of the large? Should i have got a regular coke instead of a diet? They say that artificial sweetener is no good for you but the doctor that administers my chemo never said that i shouldn’t have it and i mean you gotta trust a doctor. They went to school for a long time which means they’re really smart. And when i feel sad like this at McDonald’s not even staring at the other customers can make me feel better. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m no looker, i was born with my ears where my eyes should be and somehow my eyes ended up in my ball sack while my balls are where my ears should be, but that’s OK, I’m fine not bein some hunk Burt Reynolds type of guy. i know who and what i am so it don’t make no real difference for me. But these people at McDonald’s, they got all their eyes, their ears are in the right place. They got the ability to make children and everythin. They really got the whole world in they hands but they still look miserable and if i didn’t actually see them moving around and stuff, then i’d think they were just dead already. And they’re all so fat. And I’m no Arnold Schwarzenigga, i weigh about 250 but i aint got no legs since i lost them to my battle against diabetes, so i got like a really good excuse for not workin out. What’s their excuse? True, half of them are in wheelchairs but the half who aint? Why come they cant just work out? Even i have a Curves gym membership. Anyway, i’m drifting off course now, these cheese-hamburgers are hittin me hard and i gotta shoot up some insulin in the bathroom before i lose another limb or two.   

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Eatin from the trashcan don’t nobody gotta know that’s why I be eatin in private and also I don’t wanna let the bitches see me cry. McDonalds on bay parkway got the best garbage to eat out of people be takin one bite of they burger then throw it in the garbage and I got in good with the janitor there, his name cedric, and he let me dig thru they garbage but usually I gotta suck him off by the dumpster first. Also sometimes the old Chinese bitches be diggin thru there for bottles to recycle but they usually don’t touch the food tho so we get along I guess.

I got a weird pimple on my dick I tried to show the doctor at the methadone clinic but he try to tell me some shit like “I aint no dick doctor, uzef, you gotta go to the dick doctor for ya dick” I mean a doctor is a doctor I don’t understand why he can’t just look at it and tell me if I gotta get it cut off or whatever.

I usually be sleepin on the D train but sometimes the MTA janitors at Stillwell try to tell me like they wake me up and try to tell me how “sir you cant be sleepin on the train blah blah blah”. I usually just start screamin on em and actin like im a retard or somethin so they leave me alone. I need me a shower too so I might hit up the Y in coney island, they got a back door by the dumpster where I could sneak, yo I be taking mad nice showers at that Y! they got soap an everythin.

Washington cemetery be a good place to sleep too, sometimes there be kids there at night playin manhunt or smokin blunts, I be watchin them without they even knowin it, they think they slick like they the only ones out here or some shit. Every now and then they be leavin bags of chips that they start eatin and I get a nice dinner then. Shit, sometimes they even be leavin like cans of soda and shit too but I gotta be careful with that caffeine cuz of my heart and shit.

the McDonald’s mating dance ritual is when you go to McDonald’s and like a predator, like a hound toothed sexual predator, you scope out the trashiest, thiccest milf you can find. Once you’ve identified her, approach cautiously and walk around her in a counterclockwise fashion (but always mindful that you’re facing mecca) with your hands on your hips (flamboyant sassy gay black guy). Walk around her in a circle like this for 5 minutes. If she hasn’t called the police yet, go behind her, drop to your knees, grab her hips and shove your face DEEP into her ass. Once your nose is firmly planted near her asshole, proceed to take deep, huge, greedy breaths of air. If she farts on your face while you’re doing this, then congrats! she has accepted you as a suitable mate. Go to the cashier and ask for the Manager, Cedric. For a nominal fee of $666 he will grant you a marriage certificate, full SNAP benefits and one complimentary session at the St. Obama Fertility Center of the People’s Republic of New York.

the good news is my testicular cancer has gone into remission. the bad news is I’m going to murder my wife and stepson in their sleep tonight. I’ll do it after watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. i’ll masturbate to him interviewing Bernie Sanders and right when Bernie says, “taxation is the price you pay for living in a civilization” is when i’ll cum.  Then once I’ve expelled the toxic masculinity out of me, i’ll murder my adopted stepson little Deandre Marquis, via strangulation, while wearing vegan leather gloves so as to A. not leave any prints on him and B. not harm any animals. I don’t want Deandre Marquis to scream and wake up his mother Imani so I’ll punch him in the face first, making sure to knock him out, before i strangle the life from his poor marginalized body. Before i move on to Imani i’ll pack a quick Bathing Ape duffel bag with just the essentials: a dozen american apparel vegan organic v necks made from sustainably farmed virgin hand spun cotton, an autographed copy of George Clooneys revised and updated biography: George Clooney: The Last Great Movie Star, my 16 inch nitrile powder free extra girthy black dildo, plenty of sea salt sprinkled soy protein crisps, six pairs of APC raw denim jeans that i haven’t been able to break in yet, my $650 limited edition onitsuka tigers designed by Jean Paul Gaultier and the estrogen pills I have to take as part of my state mandated emasculation. Once I’ve packed all that i’ll murder Imani, also via strangulation, while wearing the same vegan leather gloves. I’ll make sure her clothes stay on so as to not accidentally rape her while i kill her. Then i’ll take out the recyclables and start charging the electric car for the long drive down to the St. Obama Mexico State Gender Reassignment and Abortion Center of the People’s Republic of America where i’ll begin my new life as the woman i could never be while still pretending to function in this heteronormative family unit.

the good news is my State Mandated Testicular Castration went well. the bad news is they didnt properly sedate me so i felt everything. although The State now says that Not Feeling Things is a sign of Toxic Masculinity which ironically is also punishable by State Mandated Castration, so in a way its good that i felt every moment as they slowly chopped away at my testicles with the Dirty State Funded Scalpel. the Peoples Surgeon who performed the procedure was a Masculine Identifying Lesbian who was actually born a male and shym sneered with disgust as shym snipped away at me and i couldnt help but feel guilty at how angry the patriarchy and by extension myself had made sher. although the patriarchy was officially made illegal in the year 2078 and straight white males have been banned from holding any Office Of Power. it still must be really tough for sher.