Eatin from the trashcan don’t nobody gotta know that’s why I be eatin in private and also I don’t wanna let the bitches see me cry. McDonalds on bay parkway got the best garbage to eat out of people be takin one bite of they burger then throw it in the garbage and I got in good with the janitor there, his name cedric, and he let me dig thru they garbage but usually I gotta suck him off by the dumpster first. Also sometimes the old Chinese bitches be diggin thru there for bottles to recycle but they usually don’t touch the food tho so we get along I guess.

I got a weird pimple on my dick I tried to show the doctor at the methadone clinic but he try to tell me some shit like “I aint no dick doctor, uzef, you gotta go to the dick doctor for ya dick” I mean a doctor is a doctor I don’t understand why he can’t just look at it and tell me if I gotta get it cut off or whatever.

I usually be sleepin on the D train but sometimes the MTA janitors at Stillwell try to tell me like they wake me up and try to tell me how “sir you cant be sleepin on the train blah blah blah”. I usually just start screamin on em and actin like im a retard or somethin so they leave me alone. I need me a shower too so I might hit up the Y in coney island, they got a back door by the dumpster where I could sneak, yo I be taking mad nice showers at that Y! they got soap an everythin.

Washington cemetery be a good place to sleep too, sometimes there be kids there at night playin manhunt or smokin blunts, I be watchin them without they even knowin it, they think they slick like they the only ones out here or some shit. Every now and then they be leavin bags of chips that they start eatin and I get a nice dinner then. Shit, sometimes they even be leavin like cans of soda and shit too but I gotta be careful with that caffeine cuz of my heart and shit.


the McDonald’s mating dance ritual is when you go to McDonald’s and like a predator, like a hound toothed sexual predator, you scope out the trashiest, thiccest milf you can find. Once you’ve identified her, approach cautiously and walk around her in a counterclockwise fashion (but always mindful that you’re facing mecca) with your hands on your hips (flamboyant sassy gay black guy). Walk around her in a circle like this for 5 minutes. If she hasn’t called the police yet, go behind her, drop to your knees, grab her hips and shove your face DEEP into her ass. Once your nose is firmly planted near her asshole, proceed to take deep, huge, greedy breaths of air. If she farts on your face while you’re doing this, then congrats! she has accepted you as a suitable mate. Go to the cashier and ask for the Manager, Cedric. For a nominal fee of $666 he will grant you a marriage certificate, full SNAP benefits and one complimentary session at the St. Obama Fertility Center of the People’s Republic of New York.

the good news is my testicular cancer has gone into remission. the bad news is I’m going to murder my wife and stepson in their sleep tonight. I’ll do it after watching Anderson Cooper on CNN. i’ll masturbate to him interviewing Bernie Sanders and right when Bernie says, “taxation is the price you pay for living in a civilization” is when i’ll cum.  Then once I’ve expelled the toxic masculinity out of me, i’ll murder my adopted stepson little Deandre Marquis, via strangulation, while wearing vegan leather gloves so as to A. not leave any prints on him and B. not harm any animals. I don’t want Deandre Marquis to scream and wake up his mother Imani so I’ll punch him in the face first, making sure to knock him out, before i strangle the life from his poor marginalized body. Before i move on to Imani i’ll pack a quick Bathing Ape duffel bag with just the essentials: a dozen american apparel vegan organic v necks made from sustainably farmed virgin hand spun cotton, an autographed copy of George Clooneys revised and updated biography: George Clooney: The Last Great Movie Star, my 16 inch nitrile powder free extra girthy black dildo, plenty of sea salt sprinkled soy protein crisps, six pairs of APC raw denim jeans that i haven’t been able to break in yet, my $650 limited edition onitsuka tigers designed by Jean Paul Gaultier and the estrogen pills I have to take as part of my state mandated emasculation. Once I’ve packed all that i’ll murder Imani, also via strangulation, while wearing the same vegan leather gloves. I’ll make sure her clothes stay on so as to not accidentally rape her while i kill her. Then i’ll take out the recyclables and start charging the electric car for the long drive down to the St. Obama Mexico State Gender Reassignment and Abortion Center of the People’s Republic of America where i’ll begin my new life as the woman i could never be while still pretending to function in this heteronormative family unit.

the good news is my State Mandated Testicular Castration went well. the bad news is they didnt properly sedate me so i felt everything. although The State now says that Not Feeling Things is a sign of Toxic Masculinity which ironically is also punishable by State Mandated Castration, so in a way its good that i felt every moment as they slowly chopped away at my testicles with the Dirty State Funded Scalpel. the Peoples Surgeon who performed the procedure was a Masculine Identifying Lesbian who was actually born a male and shym sneered with disgust as shym snipped away at me and i couldnt help but feel guilty at how angry the patriarchy and by extension myself had made sher. although the patriarchy was officially made illegal in the year 2078 and straight white males have been banned from holding any Office Of Power. it still must be really tough for sher.

For my bachelor party my friends had decided to pitch in to get me a hot Latina prostitute for one hour. Well, she was older than she was hot. I had her sit on my face and came almost immediately. I came so hard my face got all screwed up and my eyes crossed and when she saw how stupid i looked she laughed at me which made me come even more. We spent the other 58 minutes laying on her bed and looking at social media on our phones in silence. It was a true girlfriend experience.