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the McDonald’s mating dance ritual is when you go to McDonald’s and like a predator, like a hound toothed sexual predator, you scope out the trashiest, thickest assed milf you can find, preferably one wearing spandex pants that are so tight you can see the color and shape of her panties. Once you’ve identified her, approach cautiously and walk around her in a counterclockwise fashion (but always mindful that you’re facing mecca) with your hands on your hips (think: fat flamboyant but sassy gay black guy). Walk around her in a circle like this for 5 minutes. If she hasn’t called the police yet, go behind her, drop to your knees, grab her hips and shove your face DEEP into her ass. Once your nose is firmly planted near her asshole, proceed to take deep, huge, greedy breaths of air. If she farts on your face while you’re doing this, then congrats! she has accepted you as a suitable mate. Go to the cashier and ask for the Manager, Cedric. For a nominal fee of $666 he will grant you a marriage certificate, full SNAP benefits and one complimentary session at the St. Obama Fertility Center of the People’s Republic of New York.

at 1:30 in the morning the acid kicks in and i start organizing reorganizing the clothes in my closet while grinding my teeth and listening to dubstep on headphones at full volume and when the beat drops i picture:

  • myself screaming at the top of my lungs,
  • my guts exploding,
  • children bathed in blood,
  • burning everything down with fire,
  • smiling awkwardly while posing for a picture next to my father’s tombstone when i was 15 as he rotted in the soil directly underneath my feet.

then i start to see the lights:

  • strobe lights,
  • flashing lights,
  • neon lights,
  • streaks of light going in every direction that all intersect at the crossroads of nothing and forever.

then i organize reorganize the massive porno collection on my computer and jerk off for 3 hours straight but i can’t seem to come but then all of a sudden i manage to come out of nowhere even though i’m not even jerking off and my dick isn’t hard.

then i take a shower but i can’t feel the water so i take its word for it and look at the water with my eyes closed while scrubbing my asshole clean with unscented soap.

For my bachelor party my friends had decided to pitch in to get me a hot Latina prostitute for one hour. Well, she was older than she was hot. I had her sit on my face and came almost immediately. I came so hard my face got all screwed up and my eyes crossed and when she saw how stupid i looked she laughed at me which made me come even more. We spent the other 58 minutes laying on her bed and looking at social media on our phones in silence. It was a true girlfriend experience.

I was in the middle of jerkin off to ass worship porn when my mom came home from work slightly earlier than she normally did. The fuckin bitch, I had to cut my ‘batin session short and I was fuckin pissed! So when she asked me what I wanted for dinner that night I told her ‘nothin!’ I wasn’t hungry cuz I already had Mickey d’s with my friend Greg! Which was bullshit but the bitch loved to feed me, she like got off on it or somethin, plus she hated it when I ate fast food, which was fuckin stupid cuz she was all unhealthy and a fat piece of shit herself. I mean I was pretty fat too, but, more in a husky, athletic way. Yea, I played sports, shit, even made all state. Well, that was before they kicked me out of school for bringing daddy’s gun to class. It wasn’t loaded or nothin but Principal Martinez was a fuckin pussy so he expelled me. I always had a feelin he didn’t like me because I was the only white kid in school, well the only one who wasn’t transgender anyway. The worst thing was that the sheriff confiscated daddy’s gun, it was his pistol from when he served in Afghanistan, a beretta 9 mili, and the only thing I had left to remember him by. Somehow mom got the gun back but rumor in school was she blew every pig at the station to get it. Anyways, that night after mom came home and fucked up my JO sesh, she went to bed crying, which wasn’t really a big whoop cuz she usually did that anyway. I had to wait until I couldn’t hear the bitch cryin no more to make sure she was sleepin before jumpin back onto the computer and jerkin off to a video of a Brazilian girl with tan lines sittin on some other Brazilian girls face and fartin all in her mouth. Towards the end of the video a little bit of shit oozed out of the girls ass by accident and went into the other ones mouth. It was sick! She ran to the bathroom, gaggin, to go wash it out meanwhile the other bitch was laughing at her so bad! Right in the middle of her laughin was when I shot such a huge load that a lot of it went way past my left shoulder. Sometimes when mom cried in bed I liked to put my ear to the wall so i could hear her better and hum along to it and I would try to make my voice match hers so that we sounded like one voice.