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Bowl hit for breakfast takes the edge off mediocrity i squeeze my tits together as i buy a newport loosie at the bodega but the arab doesn’t notice me, no one ever does as i prowl the streets hunting for half smoked cigarette butts, the occasional joint roach or tiny drug baggies filled with coke, molly or heroin residue. On cropsey avenue a bicyclist gets hit by a garbage truck and it takes a lot of effort not to get a hard on as i watch the twitching body lying in a wet red pool as a bunch of old russian guys film the whole thing on their smart phones. 20 minutes later the ambulance comes and i notice both EMT’s have cheetos dust all over their hero costumes. The fat garbage man who was driving the truck is saying, “i dindu nuffin wron” to an equally bloated cop whose bulging pelvis is barely contained in his own hero blouse, his pants zipper open with dried cum and piss stains all over the crotch.     

at a border crossing in peru a chubby young woman adorned with stretchmarks and an underdeveloped labia was caught attempting to smuggle drugs by stuffing a roll of them in her cunt. those drugs ended up becoming the 44th president of the untied states, mr president barack hussein obama II. lets play the prime time news drinking game every time they twist the reality narrative to suit the advertisers you have to kill yourself. the brain tumor might be cancerous i dunno cant afford the brain scan that i need to get it checked out anyway the less you know the less likely you are to die more or less

the McDonald’s mating dance ritual is when you go to McDonald’s and like a predator, like a hound toothed sexual predator, you scope out the trashiest, thiccest milf you can find. Once you’ve identified her, approach cautiously and walk around her in a counterclockwise fashion (but always mindful that you’re facing mecca) with your hands on your hips (flamboyant sassy gay black guy). Walk around her in a circle like this for 5 minutes. If she hasn’t called the police yet, go behind her, drop to your knees, grab her hips and shove your face DEEP into her ass. Once your nose is firmly planted near her asshole, proceed to take deep, huge, greedy breaths of air. If she farts on your face while you’re doing this, then congrats! she has accepted you as a suitable mate. Go to the cashier and ask for the Manager, Cedric. For a nominal fee of $666 he will grant you a marriage certificate, full SNAP benefits and one complimentary session at the St. Obama Fertility Center of the People’s Republic of New York.

at 1:30 in the morning the acid kicks in and i start organizing reorganizing the clothes in my closet while grinding my teeth and listening to dubstep on headphones at full volume and when the beat drops i picture:

  • myself screaming at the top of my lungs,
  • my guts exploding,
  • children bathed in blood,
  • burning everything down with fire,
  • smiling awkwardly while posing for a picture next to my father’s tombstone when i was 15 as he rotted in the soil directly underneath my feet.

then i start to see the lights:

  • strobe lights,
  • flashing lights,
  • neon lights,
  • streaks of light going in every direction that all intersect at the crossroads of nothing and forever.

then i organize reorganize the massive porno collection on my computer and jerk off for 3 hours straight but i can’t seem to come but then all of a sudden i manage to come out of nowhere even though i’m not even jerking off and my dick isn’t hard.

then i take a shower but i can’t feel the water so i take its word for it and look at the water with my eyes closed while scrubbing my asshole clean with unscented soap.

For my bachelor party my friends had decided to pitch in to get me a hot Latina prostitute for one hour. Well, she was older than she was hot. I had her sit on my face and came almost immediately. I came so hard my face got all screwed up and my eyes crossed and when she saw how stupid i looked she laughed at me which made me come even more. We spent the other 58 minutes laying on her bed and looking at social media on our phones in silence. It was a true girlfriend experience.